A very prolific part of Passion 2005 (apart from the conference in its entirety, honestly) was a moment in our community groups in which we were gathered together with people of the same sex to "expose" the things (sins and otherwise) we were struggling with. This was meant to be a release of some of the burdens we were currently carrying, as well as a moment to bring our troubles into the light (of which is a much more detailed conversation I will not embark on right now). Either way, all of this recently had me thinking about the problems I am having in my life right now - spiritually speaking. I know I have a problem with lust. My problem wasn't necessarily always one that resulted in me falling to the temptation (masturbation) - although I have recently experienced that (01/02/05). It was in my mind a lot - when I would meet women I would always think of how pleasing they were to me, purely based around aesthetics. I have always considered this one of those sins I have the hardest time battling, although I can also admit right now that pretty much every one of them gives me trouble every now and then.
Why would I be putting this all out on the Internet? Partly because I hope it might be liberating. I am reminded right now of a piece I found on Relevant magazine's webpage - http://www.relevantmagazine.com/article.php?sid=4982 - that spoke about losing all self-respect (or rather, self-image) and being left with nothing but God's Great Love. Just thinking about it right now makes me feel shaky. I have no idea why I cling so hard to be this person of great stature - or why I feel I have to keep secret the fact that I sin and what those sins are. While I don't think it's okay to just bring up masturbation like I have here in all situations - every person who exists currently on this earth (and has ever for that matter - sans Jesus) has sinned and will sin at some other time. I think being able to look at everyone in that light - and seeing that we are all imperfect would be a great revelation in itself. We would not have to worry about so many things that stem from the beginning of a higher self-image.
Anyway - this all leads to what my current problem is - and one that has me probably more fearful than anything else in my life. I have what I can call a lack of faith. Even after spending 4 amazing days around a plethora of believers, having my ideas and thoughts reshaped, I still feel like I don't believe what I believe.
I consider myself to be reasonably knowledgeable in things Christian (I cannot quote Biblical passages, but I can say with certainty what my views and ideas are on many things - which I believe is supported by what I can "quote"). I have a very solid view of the beliefs I hold - insomuch that I would be willing to converse at length with anyone who happened to think differently, without wavering in those steadfast "principles." Even with all of this, however, I still feel like I don't have faith in Jesus. I still feel like I am not supposed to be worshipping God. While I was at the conference, holding up my hands and singing praises to the Living God - and even as I type out these sentences - the best word to describe it is as mentioned above: surreal - almost out-of-body, looking-at-self-from-different-eyes type of thing. My thoughts are like I never thought I would EVER be doing this, and then like my heart agrees with that, and takes it a bit further in that I SHOULDN'T be doing this.
That's scary. To make it easier to comprehend - imagine wanting nothing more than to be able to do something and not being able to. And then, while you are completely worried why you can't do it, the added fear of not thinking you EVER WILL comes sneaking in. In terms of Christianity, and because of the importance of faith, this is pretty big. Monumental big, kinda. My faith in Christ = EVERYTHING. If I do not have that, I have nothing. Beth Moore has a book called "Believing God." There is a quote on the back that goes like "Do you just believe in God, and in salvation - or do you believe in everything He has told you?" I am on the forefront of that question, wanting desperately to completely lose myself in the last part.
For Christians, this might be easier to comment on than non-believers because they understand the issues surrounding this (not that I think non-believers are ignorant, just a bit "out-of-the-loop" somewhat). My desire is to become as completely God-centered as possible, and to put all of my faith and hope in Christ. But I can't.
I have only been a Christian for about three months. Maybe that is my "problem." I have always been "spiritual" (believing there is a God, etc., etc.) but have never immersed myself in it so much. Maybe there is a time of saturation and revelation and eventual realization that comes with experience and time - and I have been told by other Christians that they went through the same thing...but for some reason it just doesn't hit home. Yes, I know that I am NOT the only one - but right now I see it primarily from what I feel, and therefore cannot imagine this ever ending.
Maybe I just want to be this person right now that I am not able to be...I have no idea. All I know is that the entire time I was in Nashville (also before then and even now) I was singing and praying and longing for these things to happen in my life, but they haven't yet. I can quote myself phrases from the bible that speak about waiting for the Lord, and putting faith and hope in that, and hear people talk about hope even in dark times...but it just does not resonate. I still leave that time craving God EVEN MORE - and not tasting it at all (or very little that I sometimes feel is "mistaken" or not "real faith").
Could it be Satan trying his hardest to remove me from God? I imagine he sees me as a weak, new Christian who is vulnerable and he wants nothing more than to break me down.
Could it be all of the varying viewpoints I have read - that are now immersed in my brain and distracting me from the simple truth I need (yes, NEED - as in most longing desire)?
I have no idea. I am walking in the dark and fearful. I certainly feel like I am in a pit, as described in the Bible, and I certainly feel like it is endless.
I'm going to go ahead and end this on this remark - in hopes that it might be a powerful declaration. "Feeling faith" is what I seem to long for - that empowering feeling (like a chill down my spine...but the much more that I know it can be). I think that the things I do (very liberal use of the word "do" - not to mean entirely "actions") now are glorifying to God. I know that He is MOST glorified when I am most satisfied with Him - which I don't think I am right now. So what to do? I am going to continue to do my best to glorify God, and to do my best to have faith and hope that this dark day will remove itself from me, so that I can lose myself in Christ and be as completely God-centered as I was made to be.
Father, I pray that You will remove this stone heart from me and let me be reborn into complete joy in You alone. Father, please fill me with an abundance of faith and hope in You alone. Jesus, let me know that You are the Truth, the Way, the Salvation, the Everything. I long to be completely consumed by Your Glory and to be a witness to it. I long to bring Glory to only You and to be a faceless reflection of Your Awesomeness. You alone are my strength, my success, my life, my hope, my unquenchable desire. The world has continuously failed me and I need Your restoration. In no other substitute will I find complete, eternal joy but through You, Jesus. Here am I, Lord - be glorified in me. It is in your precious name I pray, amen.
