My Own Worst Critic.

I am, in fact, the above. Contrary to popular belief - this is not all negative. But I will focus on that first (to get it out of the way).

The reason why being one's own worst critic can be a bad thing is because it often tends to overexaggerate things. I tend to make many stupid mistakes in my life, and most of the time I am fully aware of them (so there's no hiding my either blatant disregard for good, or my horrible feelings about my actions). Having that nagging voice letting me know how dispicable I am...it makes things difficult. Guilt, sorrow, shame - they all tend to hang around a lot longer than they should when you let yourself become the person who tears you down.

But the criticism can be good. It allows you to remain accountable to yourself. You are able to judge your actions and understand not only their quality, but the consequences they bear. Sorrow and guilt are not bad things when they are managed and used correctly - they help to shape and guide decisions and actions in the correct direction. Testing everything by a specific criteria can help each person remain personally responsible for their own undertakings.

To understand this as a whole, however - we must understand it (at least from my own personal perspective) in relation to my faith. I am a Christian. I believe not only in Jesus (meaning He did exist) but I also believe what He said (meaning I believe He was the Son of God, I believe that He came to die for sinners that they might be set free to a new, better life). Because of this, there is a certain "blueprint" for my life. Namely, I am to do everything to strive to be made into the image of Christ Himself. If/when I look/act/think/am like Jesus - the journey is complete.

And so everyone knows now, it is a LONG journey that I am FAR from perfecting.

So how does this relate to the idea of personal criticism? In this life, because of my faith and beliefs, I am able to fully utilize the criticism to keep me accountable to the choice(s) I have made (the choice of the life I want to live and how to accomplish that perfectly). Better still, I am free from the condemnation and general displeasure that comes from personal condemnation from overexaggeration with the negative side of criticism. I do NOT have to listen to the voice that calls me evil and continuously slams my foibles. What I can do is understand that I am a precious work in progress (and indeed we all are who are in Christ). The limitless patience, love, and power of God is on my side - as hopeless as sometimes it may look.

So we must rejoice in our weaknesses and failures because they keep us humble, they keep us in an understanding of the sweetness of grace and love, and they can keep us on the right track to our desired destination. They are a means to an end. What could be a weapon has made us (and can make us) more than conquerors.

To all who believe - use these things to your advantage.

Why America Is Great.

I don't tend to the realm of politics much, for many reasons: it is a very controversial topic; I'm not very excited about what is going on right now domestically or internationally- and I would rather praise than resort to negativity; I'm not well-read and up-to-date enough to be of any assistance or vital importance; and - probably most importantly - there are others who "do politics" much better than I.

I write today because I feel very blessed to be part of this nation. And that blessing, at least recently, has been shown to me in the vast amount of freedom we have. I won't resort to arguments about the current state of "freedom" in America - those who know me personally can ask if they are interested in my opinion. But, I know that at least one freedom remains intact - and that is the freedom to
express, with biting criticism and sarcasm, the leader(s) of this country.

Many have seen the speech given by Stephen Colbert at the 2006 White House Correspondents Association dinner (click here if you have not). It went viral some time back and received massive amounts of attention, both positive and negative.

But I think we might have missed the point. In what other country in the world can someone say the things Stephen did, in the presence of the power he is speaking against, with a result such as this? Stephen is still on television (his show has not been cancelled, or censored, or boycotted - at least not a detrimental amount). Other people are now speaking out as well. This entire situation (and the others like it) create a massive stage where voices and opinions can be heard.

So I am celebrating the fact that I can write whatever I want to. And I am thankful that I can do that without fear. So, if you are an American - take advantage of this beautiful right and make your opinion known. Do it respectfully and with preparation (even Stephen did not simply get on stage and rant).

More On This Later.

Hold me to it. It's gonna be a good one.

To Do List.

It is not always a good idea for me to set goals, because I either fail or end up not accomplishing anything I set out to do. However, on my ride home this evening I decided to make a list of some things I was thinking about - some things that would do me good:

Slow Down - While I don't strictly speak about my driving habits, it's a nice illustration to use. How often have I been in a hurry to get somewhere? Or, how often have I been frustrated at someone else because they seemed to be impatient? As much as I speak about the comforts and beauty of a slow-paced life, my actions don't support that claim. I can be in for excitement, and I can understand the urgency of certain situations - but I think it is time to slow down.

Lose The Agenda - This can move directly from the above. I love a packed calendar. It makes me feel important when I open mine up and see everyday scheduled with something. Everything from meetings to friend and family time has its own little place, hour-by-hour, on my pretty little calendar. It is time to free my schedule and live life, if only for a short while, without rushing from moment to moment - without anticipating, expecting, or planning every little detail. It could be worse, but I have room for it to be much better.

Love, Unconditionally - This is such an amazingly freeing concept that I find myself shocked it took so long to see. When I speak of my church and what first drew me in - it was the love and acceptance I found there. When I think of Jesus - all the good and the bad moments I see - the thing that pulls me back every time is His love. I have been hearing the word "Love" for so long now that it has both lost its meaning and been completely refreshing for me at the same time. I understand the Biblical basis for Christian direction - the discernment of damaging behavior in people's lives, the call to something better. I'm starting with love. I'm jumping on that bandwagon and I am building on that foundation. I don't know when I'll be done there. I'm not rushing the construction.

Love Others As Myself (The Two-Fold Plan) - This is a biggie. I am my own worst critic. But how do I direct that to others? If I saw a friend or a family member in need - would I help them? If they were struggling with something - would I condemn them or would I love and encourage them? I need to do this same thing for myself. I have to realize the value that God has placed on me - I need to see myself and my worth in His love towards me - and then I need to send that out in every direction. If I feed myself, clothe myself, nurture myself - my neighbor deserves that just as much. If I listen to my neighbor, comfort them, support them, encourage them - I need to love myself in that same way. A selfless service to others, reciprocated in my selfless love of myself.

And there's so much more. They'll come to me, and some of them might go. But I see them - and I take pleasure and hope in that. I can have goals. I can make movements knowing God is leading me. Does what I feel and what I know line up with my understanding of God? As I get to know Him more these things will present themselves and they will all fall in line.

And So It Ends?

Some of you will remember my various posts about Invisible Children, the war in Uganda, and efforts to stop the violence. Checking Relevant this morning, I came across an article about the LRA and a ceasefire that has been issued, effective immediately. This is the first word I have heard - so I am not totally versed on the ramifications...but this seems to be good news. Anyone out there have a better grasp on this?

LRA Leaders Declare Ceasefire

Magnetic.

"You're magnetic
I can't help it...I'm stuck on you
There's something magic in the way that you love me
I'm stuck on you." (Sanctus Real - Magnetic)

If I'm honest, and I imagine I am, my faith is incredibly fragile. Part of that comes from the fact that I am relatively new to it (only a couple years). Another part comes from the fact that I have an intellectual bend and natural curiosity - which can get someone into trouble fast when it comes to matters of faith.

This I noticed tonight as I drove home listening to the song above - thinking about the amazing day I had and the powerful message delivered at church this evening (all lending to a very satisfied spiritual attitude), yet still feeling the pangs of doubt, fear, and other such things I would rather be rid of.

Amidst this - I found truth in the words above. The love of God, the love I have experienced and found in Jesus - this amazing person described in the Bible...it defies my logic, my understanding. Every time I am confronted with this love it pierces into me and destroys my hardness of heart, my intellectual walls, my doubt, my everything. Yet, it does not leave me weak or killed.

I have never experienced anything like this before. With friends, with family - our strongest bonds are never like this. Our returns from fights or time apart - it never feels like this. The greatest moments in my life, apart from God, never have the satisfaction - the fullness - that I feel in the presence of this love.

And so I grab hold of it - wrestling my own internal dialogue and efforts to destroy something beautiful - and I hope against everything that I will not lose sight of something as precious as this. Every day is a battle, every thought can be a struggle - but there is peace and rest to be found.

I never knew what I was in for - the worst of the worst, the best of the best.

Responsibility.

While I understand that no church is perfect, and while I do have a lot of faith in the leadership and direction of my current church, I read an article tonight that questions not only our own presuppositions about money, consumerism, and other facets of our society - but the moral, personal, and professional responsibility of the people who minister to us and have very public opinions that can not only represent an entire populous, but also dramatically affect the ideas and actions of that group. Below is an excerpt, but I would recommend reading the entire article.

This, then, is the sad state of my mind as I listen to the Sunday sermon. To those who would say that the pulpit is no place to pierce the myths and enlighten the masses to the more unfortunate truths about our nation, I would say “if not there, where?” If not our moral leaders, then whom? Pastors have a great influence over the thought processes of their congregation. Many pastors are fond of the saying, “The Bible says it, I believe it, that settles it!” I’m afraid that many in the congregation believe a variant of this that goes, “My pastor said it, he believes it, so that settles it.” When pastors promote the flag, the sheep salute. When they offer no comment on war, or the ecological condition of the planet, this is a tacit endorsement of the status quo. And when they give sermons about our obligation to give, rather than receive, and never tie in the systemic contradictions of our economic system to this obligation, then they are, in my humble opinion, abrogating their responsibility as moral leaders. (from Burnside Writer's Collective, Sunday Morning Quarterbacking)

So...

...I am about to finish Blue Like Jazz and it's kind of freaking me out. As I am sitting there reading, nearing the end of the current chapter, I flip to the next page and see the title I know marks the last chapter. And while I understand I will probably read this book again (after all, something must be said about all the half-sheets, quarter-sheets, and something-sheets of paper tucked various places within the book) I still feel a sense of loss looming on the horizon.

This is how I am with every adventure in my life.

I love movies, and I am coming to love books like I once did in my youth. They are amazing things that allow me to leave behind the current world I occupy - if even for a small moment - and become part of something a bit bigger. Maybe even a bit more exciting. They are absolute treasures that free me from the sometimes-monotonous ticking of the clock and passing of the days that is my life.

(Now, don't get me wrong - I love my life and everything in it...)

Things just seem different when I am in these atmospheres. Sometimes I completely lose grip and am totally immersed in the experience - catching wind of actual reality when I can sense the approaching ending.

So, now, I head into chapter 20 of Blue Like Jazz - embarking on two separate journies. One will be the experience of book-reading and the enjoyment I will pull from the pages. The second will be my life and the next steps beyond the pages.

Here's to adventure.