Lay Down My Pride.

Well, it was okay while it lasted - but, hopefully with this decision it might actually become good. I made a big list of "to-dos" for the small group I'm part of (or, to be honest, was supposed to have been a "leader" of) for these past eleven-odd weeks. I made the decision a couple days ago to not pursue my ministerial credentials, and now I've made the decision to not be the "leader" of the small group anymore.

By God's grace, I'm not leaving the faith (hopefully, far from that). I decided not to pursue getting licensed as a minister at this time because I'm just not ready, if I am totally honest with myself. I've decided to stop leading the small group (as a teacher) because I'm just not ready, if I am totally honest with myself.

This evenings small group was what I would consider a disaster (God, of course, can work for His glory in anything...but I left Him quite a lot to shape up). I totally disheartened my friend about choices he was making (choices I think are biblically wrong) - but I did not come to him with my concerns in an edifying way. I "passionately" berated ("chastised") him for about two hours - and left him speechless at least three times. I cannot treat a brother like that and call myself a Christian - the two just do not jive.

So, I'm removing the stumbling block. Tomorrow evening we are meeting up to go bowl for his wife's birthday - and I plan to make my first priority upon getting there to embrace him and let him know I still love him - and to apologize profusely for my actions tonight. I'm then going to let out what God has put on my heart tonight - and, by His grace - maybe this relationship can start healing and our group (which is not, of itself, disbanding) can actually work for what I believe God's purposes for it are.

I haven't even been a Christian for 1 year yet - and to this day I had already decided to get licensed as a minister, be a leader/teacher of a small group (for Christians younger than myself), and I am going to be a leader for another group at Southland (which I still plan to pursue, because - thankfully - I will be part of a group of leaders and will be supported in everything). Just looking at all that (which doesn't include a lot of the other stuff I was doing to try and earn - ha, earn - God's affection) makes me realize WHY I have been SO tired and drained lately.

Thank you, Lord - for Your wisdom and powerful, healing hand in my life...it is much needed.

Updates...

I went in for my interview with the head minister over High School ministry today and everything went wonderfully. I blabbered incoherently a couple of times - but I am sure there was a point in the conversation somewhere - I just had trouble finding it. We talked about how I was really wanting to become a group leader (when applying, it is a general application to work IN the ministry...not a certain role) and he said he was on board with that. I can't wait for things to get started - I'm just hoping for great things to happen here. I won't ask for prayers for myself, because I have already been blessed by getting the opportunity - but I do ask for prayers that God can use me and strengthen me while I'm working there. I would love to be part of a change in kids' lives while I'm there - I just hope it's God's Will for me to be part of that.

On a more personal, less spiritual matter - I ended up hanging out with the "girl-I-am-currently-infatuated-with" tonight. I went over to her apartment and watched a movie. It's kind of hard to be around her because I tend to be daring in crossing lines of thought in my mind - and it's kind of hard to take things slow (regardless of what the outcome would be) because I have never been patient (not necessarily in a sexual way - just wanting to be in a relationship, fast). I want, want, want...patience is not really my virtue in situations like these.

It seemed to go well, though - and we are supposed to get together again - but from a bit of personal experience and things I happen to hear - that might be wishes in the wind (commitments are often sketchy). Plus, I'm not too sure what the "rules" are for getting back together with her (time wise). Either way, I'm going to try to walk with this as best I can. One part of me wants to get things over and just let her know I'm interested (at least then I wouldn't have to wait to know what she's thinking and I wouldn't have to take the risk of investing TOO much into something trivial). The other part is saying to wait, walk patiently, and be friends for a while before trying to jump into things. That fine line is my feelings - not wanting to get hurt if she says "No" now, wanting to be together with someone now, and wanting to make the best decision about someone I am going to be spending my time with. Gah!

I'm gonna try my best to focus prayer and devotion around these two things (as well as a few other areas not mentioned here). Hopefully an outcome will rear its head soon (like I said, I'm still really trying to get that patience thing down).

Group Leader Extraordinaire.

I won't toot my horn any more than the title of this post - I just thought it sounded kind of funny and just haughty enough to pass for O.K.

I went to Southland this evening to kind of be a spectator for how the High School ministry experience went down. I applied for a volunteer position a week or so ago to be a group leader for a small group within the High School Ministry area. I hadn't really heard anything back from the head guy in charge - I was just going tonight to "get my feet wet" and then we have a meeting this Friday to discuss my application, etc.

Anyway, I get there this evening and I am being introduced to everyone as "a new group leader" - which, I assume, means I am going to be a new group leader. I am really stoked that everything worked out well. I think this is going to be an awesome opportunity for me to work at the church in an area I am very interested in. I had a feeling God would work this out, and I am very excited He did.

There's not really a lot to say about it. Pretty "standard" worship service tonight. I actually felt really comfortable (more than once) being there. And, the head minister was really good - I enjoyed his message a whole lot (he could do a really good job leading our main services for the church, really). It just seems "right" - pretty much everything about it. I am just real excited overall...nothing more needs to be added.

I've seriously got to finish the New Testament soon. I had this whole "plan" to get through it by June 15 (starting June 1) and then I was going to spend the rest of the month (15 days / 15 days plan) going through it again and re-reading my notes, etc. It is coming up on July 15 (which would be ANOTHER 15 days for those counting) and I have still yet to start Revelation. Tonight - I hope - will be the end of that. It's not a long book, so I HOPE to have it finished tonight, or tomorrow after I wake up.

THEN, after that is done I can go back through and re-read it. I plan on this time taking down all of the questions I have while reading (which will probably be a lot) so I can study on those specifically. I also need to get into the Old Testament some, too. I have this aversion to it for some reason - but I am aware of its importance and genuinely want to read it...I guess I just have to realize these things take time. Alas.

The Surreal Life

(Post-Script - Thanks, God. I just love how quickly (relative to this post) that God works on things. It is nice how He loves to trash Satan's "You're at it alone...I'm right" facade:

Preacher's Story - Quote: "My old demons still haunt me. Voices whisper to me on dark nights, saying, “You know there is no God. You're wasting your life and you are a fool.” and the fact I've made a promise like others, too..."I hear the voices, but they have very little power because you know I’m not going to stop now."

and also this little story about snow / faith: Truth about Snow

- Of no consequence is the fact that both of these links were sitting in my comments, from months ago when I talked about this same problem, unread...Thanks, again, God - You're awesome, faithful, and I love the way you work! *insert smiley emoticon here*)

I have been struggling with something ever since I became a Christian (~ October 2004, so 9 months ago now). It hits me when I am writing things about God (for any reason, blog-related or not), when I am thinking about God, when I am praying to God, when I am reading about God, even when I am worshipping God (in church and out of). It just feels like I am "out of place" - like this is something I should not be doing, this is somewhere I should not be. It's a small voice, but VERY persistent. I can admit today that it has had tremendous impacts on my faith and walk...which is why I want to get this public (in hopes that prayer might be made on my behalf, and that whatever vile force is behind this might be eliminated).

I say vile because I know there has to be some kind of evil presence behind this. I know God to be truth, and this goes against the truth (that I have found in prayer, biblical study, and community with believers). I have looked at my life from before the time I became a Christian - and it is so VERY evident that I was not only blind, but blindly following lies. My evil acts were either out of selfish ambition, thoughtless stupidity, or because of lies I believed. I've always "known" God, but I have never known Him like I do now. I NEVER knew Jesus like I do now.

And that is what kills me. I feel deeply that I was meant to be a Christian. I also feel now (because of many reasons) that I was also meant to be a minister (or, in some regard a person who spreads the Gospel and teaches people - while being a leader, comforter, supporter, etc.) I have a deep love for Jesus that my soul constantly moans and yearns - and yet something is covering that up. I imagine it is sin, because I can recognize the vile (read: sinful) acts I sometimes commit and I understand the hardening circumstances / consequences they bring. However, this doesn't feel like that. This feels like someone telling me to get out.

And it is not the assuring, strengthening, teaching voice that tells me to get out of sin. It is not the voice that calls me everyday and melts my heart. I can see right now the hardening of my heart, and my loss of my first love (and I pray God to work on that) - but this is something different. This is something FIGHTING that work...something against my faith, against my beliefs, against my spiritual wisdom, against my spiritual longing, against my everything.

I'm so thankful for the lessons and experiences I have had concerning God - seasons of life, faithfulness, healing, etc. - so I have hope that this will in time GO AWAY! However, it is very draining at times when I just do not feel like being drained. And it's been here for 9 months (stronger sometimes, weaker other times...more weak than strong, honestly).

My idea? Maybe demon oppression. I am aware that Satan (and his) hate me. I am aware that they want to destroy me. So, I chalk it up to them (I'm not admitting defeat, just letting them know I know what they are doing). I also chalk it up to the flesh. A lot of the sin I have been committing lately has been revolved around the flesh - and I know it hates the truth just as much as Satan - and it hates to die to. So, maybe both of these things are just trying to "win" me back - but it's not going to happen. My friend and I had a conversation about how Satan trains non-believers to follow unholy, damaging things - and that those things do not die immediately when we turn to Christ. I take hope in that. I take hope in the promises God gives in His Word. I take hope in the power of Christ. I guess I just need to start taking a lot MORE hope...

Throw Them Out.

I'm just getting in after the Haste the Day/Still Remains show at the YMCA this evening. I'm not totally surprised by the total selfishness (or idiocy) I saw displayed there tonight - but it is surprising some of the effects of it.

First of all, hardcore dancing (break dancing, skanking, whatever) is not a form of dancing - nor is it a form of anything that should be practiced. There are such things in life that can be attributed to self-expression, to emotional release - and then there are things like this that can only be described as reckless, possibly threatening behavior. I've been to a lot of shows, really, and I have never been frustrated like I was tonight.

For the first time ever at a show (I'm pretty sure) I saw more than one group of people fighting each other or attempting to lash out at each other. This, in my eyes, go against pretty much everything the concert is there for - and does absolutely NO good whatsoever...case closed.

Second - I saw more than once (in fact, more times than I can count) people doing acrobatic, martial-arts-resembling, completely uncontrollable moves. These people didn't just get in the "designated" circle and punch the air (towards the ground) or spin around-and-around...they spun completely out of control; or had someone grab them by the waist and launch them into the air multiple times in numerous directions; or hurtled themselves into a completely unsuspecting crowd; or did multiple flips and kicks in all directions; or started punching in a way that says, "I really don't care if I hurt you;" or a variety of other things that had me (one of few people, probably, who did NOT get bashed into) seriously trying to hold my temper.

And third, I saw (multiple times again) people getting what I would consider seriously hurt (one person had a piercing ripped out, one person had cuts and bruises, and other people I saw - including a friend who went with me, and myself - got kicked in the stomach or stepped on/kicked/scratched by crowd "surfers" (in quotes because these people did not get lifted up and passed gently - they flew into people like airplanes NOT marked for takeoff).

Was there security at this place? I hope not, because it speaks VERY badly of them if they were around. I saw some people holding people back and stopping fights - but it seemed to be just acquaintances of those involved. I'll say it once and I'll put it in caps - PEOPLE NEED TO STOP ACTING IMMATURE AND SELFISH - of which tonight was a clear example of both. If you get into a fight at a show, you don't get a chance to calm down - you are separated and sent home. If you start flying all over the place with no regards to your own, or other's, safety - you get sent home. If you start punching and kicking like an idiot who thinks they have a black belt (and, oddly, the right to act this way) - YOU GET SENT HOME. I am so tired of people not respecting authority and authority not taking control of situations.

Yes, there have been times where I bad-mouthed authority - but it was because I did something stupid and deserved to get punished for it and I didn't like it. THEY were right.

If you act like a jerk at a place where people are coming to have a good (safe) time - YOU SHOULD GET THROWN OUT!

Two Things:

I just wanted to make an effort to publish two things I came across tonight, so I can have a reminder here in print, in public, to testify.

1. "As christian I believe too many times we fall into our own repeated sin and forget how meaningless it felt the first time and how this world will never be anything worth having in the end." (From CCM.net) I can't believe I haven't seen this before in my life, nor how spot on he is. I have fallen prey to my own sin so many times it sickens me to think of the repetition. I have numbed myself to God's presence by doing it - and sometimes I don't even feel regretful nor the need to confess - and in so doing I let Satan have his own little victory. I need to work on getting these "kinks" out of my life - because I do not want to be the type of person described above - I was called to and promised a life SO MUCH BETTER IN CHRIST!

2. The dramatic effects of dating the wrong person:
I was having a conversation tonight with someone about problems that arose from a recent break-up. I ended up teaching myself something (I just love how God loves to be sly and sneaks things into your life when you least expect it). Anyway, I was talking to her about how it is important to know the person well (who you are going to date) because a break-up can have very negative effects on a person (as well as those around the break-up). How often have I found myself longing to be in a relationship (for relationships-sake) without thinking about whether or not this was the right person - or, more so, whether or not this was God's person for me?

And so I digress...I just wanted to put those two morsels up while they were fresh. Enjoy!

The Bachelor Party.

Well, my friend Josh finally had his bachelor party this past weekend (after having been delayed multiple weeks in a row). It ended up being rather fun - an evening full of karaoke (which, after having just gone through and captured the video of the night, I can without reserve attest to the accuracy of the meaning of that word).

I ended up singing three "major" songs: Norma Jean "Shotgun Message," Sinai Beach "Necessary Bloodshed," and Still Remains "The Worst is Yet To Come." When the evening had died down, right before I left, I also ended up singing Kutless' rendition of "Draw Me Close" as well as "Sea of Faces." I'm not entirely happy with how ANY of them ended up, but it was an enjoyable experience overall - and a chance to share my faith and conviction (which I am often not courageous enough to do).

Hopefully, God-willing, some seeds were planted that evening (I know of at least one person who is not saved - and possibly three more that were there that I have no knowledge of). I wasn't totally forthcoming (ministering, witnessing, evangelizing...etc.) but I did make sure that people knew where I was coming from.

I also ended up having a discussion with one friend (one of the members of our small group) about actions and their consequences. He had been drinking (and as I have been before) ended up getting somewhat emotional about his convictions towards the Lord. I told him to search his heart - another friend told him to just make sure his heart wasn't turned by the lyrics. I think we were both right in a sense.

My walk is (and will be) completely different than that of anyone else. I am unique and will face different situations (or situations differently) so it is sometimes hard to know what to say to people. I left behind my "love" of secular music (and now only really listen to/purchase spirit-filled music). That is not what God calls some people to do. I've been called to ministry (beyond the normal call of witnessing that all followers are expected of). I'm very thankful that God has been working with me to allow me to become submissive in certain things, to lay things down, and to ache for a lack of self. To some people this doesn't happen the same way. While I will always focus on a unified body of believers (1st Corinthians 12:25) - meaning in turn that viewpoints need to be unified as well (to a degree) - I also take heed to that same book and chapter, verse 27. We are all Christ's body - and individually members of it - we come together to form a whole - yet we all have different gifts (1 Cor. 12:4 - 11)...therefore none is greater than the other, and all will come together in their uniqueness to form an awesome whole.

Thanks for reading all of that :)

It's Been A While.

Not necessarily a month since the last post, but drawing close. I took a look at my last post (from May, below) to get a grasp of what was going through my head then. I wouldn't say that a lot has changed in particular - I am just still growing, still learning/trying to lay things down, and continuing to walk as best I can. I still bring up the subject of hell/free-will, because these are the two topics which are most prevalent on my mind. There is a lot yet that I have NO knowledge of, and a lot that I have limited understanding of - but I continue to pray that God will help enlighten me and show me HIS truth so that I am never deceived by the lies of the world.

I have recently made friends with one of my other friend's neighbors. He seems to be a really cool guy, and a good Christian to boot (however you would think to use that as a descriptive item). We ended up driving to Midway the other day together and got a chance to bond over issues we were both having. It felt awesome to have a "strong" Christian presence around that could also be a friend. I absolutely LOVE talking about God - but it is a lot easier when the other party is receptive towards it...but it can't always be easy :)

Small group has been going rather well. It has been so awesome to witness God working on all of us. He's gotten me back in His word VERY strongly (I'm starting John tonight and have a good plan to work through the whole New Testament by mid-June). He has also helped increase my longing for prayer (and not just in the case of giving thanks for food/etc.)

I just hope that these coming days will prove to be very fruitful for all of the problems/struggles I have been having - as well as increasing those blessings God has added to me. Until then, I must walk by faith (to borrow a line from Jeremy Camp).

Lay It Down.

I had been "struggling" with the topics presented in the last post. I took it to some friends at small group, to another friend who is a minister (John), and mentioned it to a few others as well. Either way, a few days after doing all this walking around and "thinking" on the subject (not in-depth studying or anything like that) I wrote the following:

What of the debate between “Universalism” and “Calvinism”?
What of the debate between literal and figurative?

I rest them both – and all others not even mentioned here – in God’s capable hands.

Isaiah 40:13
Isaiah 55:8-11

Both of these assure me that God’s Ways are above my ways. His Thoughts are well beyond my own. I am not His counselor and will not direct His Spirit, His Will, or His Anything.

I dare not prescribe to any theologies of man – because my Lord is in Heaven. I trust in God’s Word and put myself under its authority for all things – and I refuse to let it become a burden, a stumbling block, or anything that will take my thoughts from God. I will not use the Bible for personal gain or victory – but will celebrate the victory of Christ.

In that, I conclude. I will continue to preach the Good News that Christ is Lord, to the glory of God (Philippians 2:11) because I know that to be infallible. As for what comes of those who never realize this truth – I pray that God the Father has mercy upon them (of which He showed to me), but beyond that I cannot take authority (nor will I ever try to).

He alone is God – and I submit my life to Him that He might work His Will through and in me. Without Christ I can do nothing (John 15:5), so I submit to Him that I might do all things with Him (Philippians 4:13).

I think that it pretty much sums itself up - but my reason for posting this was to get this out and over with, as well as bring up a topic - laying things down.

Jim (a minister at Southland) spoke on this during our study of David last week. There is great importance in laying down any burdens one is carrying and allowing God to take care of the situation how He sees fit. Sure, I was all into that. "Let's get this baggage off!" However, it wasn't until a conversation I had with a friend yesterday afternoon/evening that I realized that laying down something doesn't just have to be a bad thing you want out of your life - it can also be required to give up something you really want for God to work out how He wants things to transpire.

I have been struggling with being single for quite a while now. This July (not sure of exact dates) will mark 3 years that I have been single. Just looking at it now (with newly-opened eyes) I can see it really isn't that long...but it is something that has been eating away at me.

Here recently I had the chance to start talking to a girl at church who I am very fond of. I thought she was absolutely wonderful (from what little I knew about her). On Wednesday (5/18/05) we went out to coffee for conversation. In the short time we spent there together, I got to learn even more about this girl and found myself becoming even more involved with my longing for her (not just physically, honestly - but to our common qualities). Either way, for two weeks leading up to this and even sometime afterwards, I had been letting this encounter tear me apart, make me anxious, and all the rest.

Last night marked a time where I was able to take a look at things in a more realistic way. A way more tuned to what God had in mind, rather than what my plans happened to be for my perfection. In the small moment God and I shared, I was able to release some of this to Him - and I have found that there really isn't that much of a gnawing left behind right now. My fear and my desire are keeping me from letting it go 100% - but I can already see He is giving me the strength I need to fight past this and trust Him. (This just happens to be one of the many things I am seeing Him work on with this particular situation).

So...what was all the (probably) incoherent rambling about above? Well, not just a girl. Sure, that needed to get out REAL bad...but I have to realize that I cannot continue to fight with my own might. I cannot wish things, or pray things (for that matter) into existence. I cannot expect change immediately. I have to lay my burdens (good and bad) down. I have to trust God. I have to have patience. I have to stop worrying. I have to stop following my own paths and plans. I need to have faith.

I am thinking about going through and doing a "self analysis" of myself - because I have been getting into the bad habit lately of thinking everything is perfect for me. "I only have one more un-godly thing to work out and I'm there."

My advice: [1] Don't ever give up on God. [2] Don't ever think yourself perfect. [3] Don't ever give up on God.

Wow.

I have been walking around for a while quoting this phrase I heard from Beth Moore at Passion 2005 - "If in your pursuit for truth you find God getting smaller, you are being deceived." (Paraphrased).

It wasn't until tonight that I realized I was being deceived. I've had this voice in my head for a while - and every so often I'll have a thought about God and it will convict me of putting Him in a box. And what would I be doing by putting God in a box? Limiting Him.

I came across a page tonight - http://bible-truths.com/ - that I thought at first was just some guy spouting off crackpot ideas. I've gone through about six articles on the page (particularly the "Part 1 - Letter to Dr Kennedy ones) and I see God almost completely differently now. He has gotten a lot bigger, a lot more powerful, a lot more compassionate, and a lot more of a lot of things.

I won't really go into detail about this man here, it might be best to read what he has to say and come to your own conclusions...but everything said seems to be based around biblical truth - and makes sense with a lot of the teaching I have had, and a lot of the experiences/revelations/etc. as well.

Post comments of your thoughts...I'd like to see what people think.

I'm Astonished...

at what an Amazing God I serve. He constantly shows me love, compassion, faithfulness, and so many other graces that I cannot even name or compare them. Today, I was very far from being a light of this world - and if someone had been keeping track, I was not making my God seem very important. Throughout this all, however, I return home tonight to find that one of the assignments I had been worried about for a class that had been giving me a lot of trouble I made a perfect score on. Not just passing, mind you - 50 out of 50. This might just seem like "good luck" or the teacher giving me a break, or some other odd excuse you might come up if you don't know my God...but it was Him all the way. He had His hand on this situation and, as He has done numerous times before, pulled me through to a brighter day.

I am so glad He loves me the way He does - and has allowed me to be in a personal relationship with Him. Not that I really have to wait to do it, but I cannot wait for services tomorrow. I have a lot to celebrate.

Thank you so much, for everything.

The Ichthus Pictures.

My thanks to John for putting these into a manageable format and hosting them for me.

Ichthus (Opens in New Window)

The Ichthus Awards...

Pictures will be up soon, but I wanted to go ahead and do this. Rather than writing an actual review of the festival, I thought it would be fun to give out my own made-up rewards for various parts of the festival. Here goes:

Best Performance - Haste the Day [Great stage presence, heavy music, front row position, wild moshing, etc. The end of Ichthus (literally and figuratively) for me].

Most Unexpected, Honorable Performance - Sanctus Real [These guys REALLY surprised me. Very magnetic performance, even if I didn't know all the songs...]

Best Worship Time - Newsboys [I thought it would suck and I wouldn't have fun, but it was actually quite enjoyable. The lead singer is kinda flamboyant, but I enjoyed it.]

Funniest Show - The Showdown [These guys were full-on metal, but the lead singer was an absolute riot on stage. Awesome show and humor...great mix.]

Best Part of Ichthus - John and Ashley [I hadn't seen either of them in quite a while, so it was great to get together for some quality time.]

Worst Part of Ichthus - 30-Minute Storm [I hate to be cliché since everyone is talking about this (even though it was rather lame). Ruined the mood, destroyed property, scared people, etc. Not fun at all.]

"Haunting Memory" - The Girl at Deep End [I met this really cool girl at Deep End stage on Saturday and was going to talk to her more (maybe hit it up) but she left so I couldn't. Oh, well - praise God for the "moment" we did have :)]

Funny Part - The Horns [As I was walking in and people were checking wrist-locks I held up the horns and this guy gave me a high five, then acted all weird about it. IT'S NOT EVIL, FRIEND!]

Big Lessons - 1. Become VERY involved in God's Word (VERY much a struggle recently), 2. Become part of a Christian community (sometimes hard when you are still new in a church), 3. Become undignified for The Lord (who cares what other people think?).

Poignant Moment - MOST [This was borderline horribly depressing. The movie they showed (with the symbolism of God choosing to give His Son's life for ours) made me feel very sad. I can't put into words the entire range of emotions/thoughts I have on it, so I'll just end there...)]

Merchandise Purchased - Staple (C.D.), The Showdown (C.D.), and the obligatory Ichthus festival tee.

I can't think of any more awards right now, but understand that the above in no way shows how awesome being at Ichthus was this year. Even though I am still getting those "surreal (out of place)" feelings, I feel so great to be where I am now and to be part of this new life, community, and atmosphere. With God's help (and thankfully school ending...so hopefully the time to actually work on things) I hope to move past some of the issues/problems in my spiritual life right now - but I would not trade anything for the experiences I have had over the past six months...and I don't want to even think what my life would be like without Jesus - presently or in the near and distant future. Thank you so much, God!

Band Updates...

[Make sure to check below this post for the reviews of the two concerts I went to]

Saturday night was reserved for a get-together at my friend's house to celebrate his birthday. Nothing too unique about that. However, late in the evening (after sitting outside listening to music for a few hours) the conversation moved towards Calypso Creole - and how all of the main members (singer, guitarist, and myself) had very strong feelings about getting back together to make some things up. It seems as if there has been a revitalization and that (hopefully) soon we shall be having the great times we had in the past playing together.

It also looks as if the band will be growing a bit, too. We spoke about adding the singer's wife in on bass, and then we had another spot "reserved" for the birthday boy (whom had played keys once with us before). I'm going to look into pricing, but I hope to have some shirts for us soon...and maybe a few other interesting media items as well.

This works out great, if things indeed do shape up, because my father can work the live sound for us if we ever want to play. And, I also have a friend with a recording studio (as does the guitarist) so we can make demos or master tracks whenever we get the urge (and are a little more polished).

In the complete opposite direction (musically speaking...in a "spiritual" vs. "secular" way) I have come up with the name I want to use for my band: Forfeit Your Name. It has a really good ring to it - and speaks a lot about my convictions as a Christian. I have one song written and a bunch of other ideas floating around - but I talked to the guy who will playing guitar for us in Calypso Creole and he said that he would also lend his talents if I ever decided to go in and record my stuff. I am going through tracks right now that are purely musical on the C.D.s I already own - which I can use to at least get something recorded with my vocals.

No idea how any of this is really going to turn out...but I imagine things might get going well...which is cool.

Review: As I Lay Dying Concert

The Line-Up: Winter Solstice, All That Remains, Throwdown, As I Lay Dying

We ended up arriving to the show nearly an hour early - and because a line had already formed at the door we made the decision to park and wait. Doors were supposed to open at 7:30, yet because of matters I still do not understand, the venue didn't start searching/allowing people in until about that time or later (which meant it took about another hour for every person in line to make their way into the venue).

My dad and I waited a bit and when we finally hit the line to get in the first band had already taken stage - so I missed, I think, three songs from one of the bands I wanted to see...which did bum me out a bit. The rest of the set I did catch was VERY good however, and I have listened to their album ("The Fall of Rome") that I picked up at the show probably four times now. Very good metal band, unique singing style/vocals.

After Winter Solstice finished, All That Remains took stage. They weren't bad, per se, but I just couldn't really get into them. I have kind of left behind my attraction towards secular music - and considering the band I really wanted to see was only going to come on after this band and the next, I kind of went through a Sinai Beach moment and didn't really pay attention to anything.

Throwdown (a band which had quite a lot of crowd support) went on after All That Remains. I had already seen these guys at Ozzfest '04 - so there was really nothing new for me here. They are an okay hardcore band...but there is nothing that I would say differentiates them from any other band taking influence from that genre. The crowd (at least, the Throwdown supporters) went nuts during every song...but I sat back myself and waited for the headlining band.

As I Lay Dying, even in their paltry 30-or-so minute set, absolutely delivered. The first and last song were the two specifically that I wanted to hear. They also managed to throw in two of the songs from their new album coming out this summer - and neither disappointed. I was up on my feet the entire set - into the music without being absolutely crazy (because I was still in the bar area so I could have an unobstructed view). These guys are absolutely metal and do not stop when playing live - giving their all and leaving everyone satisfied.

Overall, the show deserves an A ranking. The atmosphere (compared to the last show) was lacking...but that is no fault of the bands playing. I also had a bit of a headache for a while, so that detracted from the experience as well. But, in the end, it was worth the money and time. Great show, great times.

Review: Zao Concert

The Line-Up: Son of Day, Still Remains, Sinai Beach, Zao

The concert was amazing - and the experience pretty much revolved entirely around Sinai Beach's enticing performance.

The night started off well, with the normal "get the crowd pumped" metal band, Son of Day. They were okay, musically speaking, but my only reason for being at the show was Sinai Beach - so I admit a bit of bias in this area. They utilized dual-vocals and had some fairly catchy guitar riffs - as well as powerful percussion. However, their set was plagued with unacceptable amounts of feedback and clipping. They could have been much better (sound quality wise) but they (in my opinion) were FAR outshadowed by the bands that followed.

Next, in the spot I thought was filled by Sinai, Still Remains came to stage. I bought their E.P. before the show began, because I had heard of them before (they will also be at Ichthus in two weeks). They were really good - but, again, I was "zoning" off. It is very hard to concentrate when the band you have been waiting months to see is only about 1/2 hour away. I intend to give them a listen on the ol' C.D. player here - but I give them their credit...they sounded great (as most of the sound problems had been fixed by then).

Now - for the show stopper. Sinai Beach is a killer live band. Again, a bit of bias, but this might have been the best 30-or-so minutes of live music I have ever seen. These guys give their all on stage - and they are one of the heaviest bands I know. Plus, I was so close to the stage that I felt the wind of the guitarist's hair when he headbanged - and I had my hand on his monitor the entire time. This was the defining moment of the night - and after they finished the one crowd-demanded encore song, I was ready to leave the venue. Enough for me, the concert is over.

It might as well have been. I ended up talking to the drummer of Sinai Beach outside the club for a bit while Zao was playing. I then got C.J. (the lead singer of Sinai) to autograph (and then get the rest of the band to sign) my C.D. jackets. He was really cool about it - willing to take it around to make sure that I got everyone's. I think I was being the crazed fan there for a while, following them around like a lost puppy (kind of)...but all in all it was worth it.

As for Zao (honestly, what little I heard) it was good as well (but not even close to Sinai...). I had actually been around the lead singer the entire night (I just thought he was some tattooed guy who kept coming to the bar for drinks). The drummer had also been walking around all night. Musically, they were good enough to buy - but I was completely out of it after the previous performance - and we ended up leaving early to beat the traffic.

If you are a fan of music (especially metal) and you ever have a chance to see your favorite band(s) at a small club - there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't take advantage of the opportunity. The atmosphere was absolutely perfect, the bands were very casual and inviting, and the performances were top knotch. Overall - A+ - and that is just the grade for the Sinai Beach performance.

A Burden Lifted.

By the grace of God I finally got the 3 quizzes and 2 case assignments completed. Had it not been for His strength and presence, I am sure I would probably either be just finishing, or staring at blank pages and unclicked links. I'm not kidding when I say that I need help in getting things done lately (or at least getting things done that I need to do, rather than what I want to do at the moment).

I am also entirely sure that I have a problem with procrastination. I originally just used it as the excuse - a name for things not getting done. But, when I "researched" it online, I found a lot more about it that fits directly to my personality. This isn't a disease - as our culture is getting progressively better at labeling everything...but it is most surely a problem that needs to be fixed if I am going to be both successful in any ventures I take - and less stressed about them along the way.

I wholeheartedly need to get back "in touch" with God. I'm not saying He has been vacant from my life - far from it. But I have been doing just as good a job recently of completely ignoring Him as I did before I became a believer. This world has been demanding recently, I have been weak, and the distractions and temptations have been plenty.

I have a gift for melodrama - I can tell by just reading that last paragraph. This is not a life-ending occasion - nor do the most recent events in my life fall in that category. However, I have noticed a lot of change in myself lately that I do not like...and that is something I can be both certain and upfront about.

Like I said earlier, God has pulled me out of yet another hole I both dug and fell into...it's up to me to try, try again. Thankfully I'm not God and He is not like me...because I would have given up a long time ago.

The Post Monster [LONG].

(Addendum: Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.")

I’ve been in kind of a slump lately (or at least, more so, for the past couple of days). I’m guessing that it all started out on Monday when I took one of the exams currently in the school backlog. I failed it miserably – most likely not even aching out 40 total points. In my defense (whatever it may be) the exam was only allotted an hour, and I make the conclusion now that I either do not know the material well enough, or am not smart enough to pull problems like the ones on the test off in that time period.

Then, yesterday, exam two of many was made available. I completed (most) of it – leaving a few problems blank because I had no clue where to find the answers…or did not even know what was being asked in the question. Again, in my defense, this is the same class that I have been having supreme difficulties with – the like of which would take many posts and I would rather not harp on now. Needless to say, I attribute both of these instances to my own performance, but for the sake of saving-face, I also need to point out that I feel 5% or so of the blame should be shifted elsewhere.

Up ahead I have 3 quizzes, 2 case assignments, and a professional letter to write (all by the end of this week). This is 100% my fault, no doubts about it. I have had such lackluster performance this term in the “getting things done” area that I take the blame here purely for good conscience. I have never liked school – and this semester I am bordering on using the “H” word. Bad professors, difficult assignments, procrastination, and life have all gotten in the way. I will be thoroughly pleased when May rolls around and I can be done for a bit…I just pray (seriously) that I pass these classes and maintain good enough grades to continue receiving my financial support.

Next on the list of torment is the depressed mood I have been in. I am pretty sure it all started on Monday, because Sunday was awesome (as usual). I think failing that test really did a number on me, because it has been down hill ever since then. I know I am letting this affect me more than it probably should, but I tend to get emotional every now and then and this certainly seems like one of those times. I have been scared, anxious, depressed, excited – and many other descriptions over the past few days. I am wearing myself out.

Perhaps it all revolves around the girl at church. Not the one who I am “madly in love with” but the new interest that has taken my fancy recently. I met this girl about a month ago at a bible study we were having and have been interested since. On Sunday we got to talk a little, and then after service I gave her my number. It was purely on the “hang out if you’re bored” sense – and I was really hoping she’d call. So, considering I don’t think my phone has rung all week – yet again, another moment in the dumpster. She seems to be a rather shy, reserved person…but I see that in myself as well – which I thought would be cool…two people hanging out who (I think) really need time away from the world.

So what has God been doing in all of this? I honestly cannot say. That alone should speak volumes about what all of this is doing to me. I started receiving the Bible-by-email thing again – and there are almost two weeks worth sitting unread in my mailbox. I haven’t opened the Bible in almost a week – and my prayers have been mostly selfish, pitiful cries about me, me, me. I got a phone call (hey, there was one) the other day from an organization I spoke to at the Passion Conferences. I pretty much zoned out the entire time, completely involved in nothing. Even when the girl (who was extremely sweet, I thought) prayed for me I couldn’t help but feel “eh.”

Am I self-destructing? Probably not. I’ve been in places like this before and they have come and gone. I imagine when I get these assignments off my back I’ll be able to breathe a little better. Then I’ll have time to reinvest my time with God – which is where I should be, but am not, placing it first. Plus, this Sunday I’ll (probably) be able to talk to my friend, the girl, again. Maybe I’ll play things right and actually “get somewhere” (in the area of normal, human conversation) with her.

I hate feeling this way – emotionally and physically. I also dislike the fact that I am *this close* to pitying myself. I seriously sound like such a whiner.

I got my Symphony in Peril C.D. back today – so that is good news. And, maybe, the bible study will hit it off sometime this weekend, so there is always that. Either way, I’m really wanting to escape (there’s the biggest word of all of this) into a game of NCAA March Madness 2005. Maybe I just want to escape all of this right now. I need a vacation that doesn’t involve me sitting on my bum neglecting the important things.

I really need to get over myself, honestly!

A Quick Rave.

I thought it might be fitting to mention that Jesus can and will help you with any troubles you are having in your life - no matter how minute or unimportant they might seem. He wants you to experience freedom - and to live life with joy in Him. If you don't already have Him in your heart, invite Him in today (a tribute to His glorious resurrection!). For those who already know Jesus - let us continue to praise His name and bring glory to God. Everyday is a chance to share the Good News - and how awesome it is to be on the receiving end!

(As a sidenote - did anyone see the Illinois game? at the very end when the player was showing off his shoes decked out with bible verses and the name "Jesus" on one shoe, with "Christ" on the other? Some might have seen him as kind of odd - but I saw a man giving praise where it was due. I love seeing Jesus glorified.)

A Quick Rant.

Well, I'm very glad that in a couple weeks I'll be able to see some bands I like, because there seems to be a disturbing trend immerging when it comes to my musical interests.

First, I get in to Norma Jean - and then the lead singer, Josh Scogin, leaves. Now I will never get to see him as the frontman for the band. They might play some of the songs off "Bless the Martyr" but it just isn't the same. And, yes, there is The Chariot (his new band) but, like I said in the last sentence...just not the same.

And today - with news that actually dropped my heart - Shawn Jonas has left Symphony in Peril (a band that is quickly climbing the ranks to become my top favorite...and for those that know me, to actually say I have a favorite band, it means something).

Anyway - I'm very happy that he has made a decision in his life that he is comfortable with, and I wish him the best (because his decision shows he has priorities, and I agree with his). Either way, I'm really bummed now because I'll never get to see Jonas sing.

http://www.symphonyinperil.net/goodbye.jpg - The goodbye letter posted on the band's site.