The Surreal Life

(Post-Script - Thanks, God. I just love how quickly (relative to this post) that God works on things. It is nice how He loves to trash Satan's "You're at it alone...I'm right" facade:

Preacher's Story - Quote: "My old demons still haunt me. Voices whisper to me on dark nights, saying, “You know there is no God. You're wasting your life and you are a fool.” and the fact I've made a promise like others, too..."I hear the voices, but they have very little power because you know I’m not going to stop now."

and also this little story about snow / faith: Truth about Snow

- Of no consequence is the fact that both of these links were sitting in my comments, from months ago when I talked about this same problem, unread...Thanks, again, God - You're awesome, faithful, and I love the way you work! *insert smiley emoticon here*)

I have been struggling with something ever since I became a Christian (~ October 2004, so 9 months ago now). It hits me when I am writing things about God (for any reason, blog-related or not), when I am thinking about God, when I am praying to God, when I am reading about God, even when I am worshipping God (in church and out of). It just feels like I am "out of place" - like this is something I should not be doing, this is somewhere I should not be. It's a small voice, but VERY persistent. I can admit today that it has had tremendous impacts on my faith and walk...which is why I want to get this public (in hopes that prayer might be made on my behalf, and that whatever vile force is behind this might be eliminated).

I say vile because I know there has to be some kind of evil presence behind this. I know God to be truth, and this goes against the truth (that I have found in prayer, biblical study, and community with believers). I have looked at my life from before the time I became a Christian - and it is so VERY evident that I was not only blind, but blindly following lies. My evil acts were either out of selfish ambition, thoughtless stupidity, or because of lies I believed. I've always "known" God, but I have never known Him like I do now. I NEVER knew Jesus like I do now.

And that is what kills me. I feel deeply that I was meant to be a Christian. I also feel now (because of many reasons) that I was also meant to be a minister (or, in some regard a person who spreads the Gospel and teaches people - while being a leader, comforter, supporter, etc.) I have a deep love for Jesus that my soul constantly moans and yearns - and yet something is covering that up. I imagine it is sin, because I can recognize the vile (read: sinful) acts I sometimes commit and I understand the hardening circumstances / consequences they bring. However, this doesn't feel like that. This feels like someone telling me to get out.

And it is not the assuring, strengthening, teaching voice that tells me to get out of sin. It is not the voice that calls me everyday and melts my heart. I can see right now the hardening of my heart, and my loss of my first love (and I pray God to work on that) - but this is something different. This is something FIGHTING that work...something against my faith, against my beliefs, against my spiritual wisdom, against my spiritual longing, against my everything.

I'm so thankful for the lessons and experiences I have had concerning God - seasons of life, faithfulness, healing, etc. - so I have hope that this will in time GO AWAY! However, it is very draining at times when I just do not feel like being drained. And it's been here for 9 months (stronger sometimes, weaker other times...more weak than strong, honestly).

My idea? Maybe demon oppression. I am aware that Satan (and his) hate me. I am aware that they want to destroy me. So, I chalk it up to them (I'm not admitting defeat, just letting them know I know what they are doing). I also chalk it up to the flesh. A lot of the sin I have been committing lately has been revolved around the flesh - and I know it hates the truth just as much as Satan - and it hates to die to. So, maybe both of these things are just trying to "win" me back - but it's not going to happen. My friend and I had a conversation about how Satan trains non-believers to follow unholy, damaging things - and that those things do not die immediately when we turn to Christ. I take hope in that. I take hope in the promises God gives in His Word. I take hope in the power of Christ. I guess I just need to start taking a lot MORE hope...