The Post Monster [LONG].

(Addendum: Philippians 4:13 "I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.")

I’ve been in kind of a slump lately (or at least, more so, for the past couple of days). I’m guessing that it all started out on Monday when I took one of the exams currently in the school backlog. I failed it miserably – most likely not even aching out 40 total points. In my defense (whatever it may be) the exam was only allotted an hour, and I make the conclusion now that I either do not know the material well enough, or am not smart enough to pull problems like the ones on the test off in that time period.

Then, yesterday, exam two of many was made available. I completed (most) of it – leaving a few problems blank because I had no clue where to find the answers…or did not even know what was being asked in the question. Again, in my defense, this is the same class that I have been having supreme difficulties with – the like of which would take many posts and I would rather not harp on now. Needless to say, I attribute both of these instances to my own performance, but for the sake of saving-face, I also need to point out that I feel 5% or so of the blame should be shifted elsewhere.

Up ahead I have 3 quizzes, 2 case assignments, and a professional letter to write (all by the end of this week). This is 100% my fault, no doubts about it. I have had such lackluster performance this term in the “getting things done” area that I take the blame here purely for good conscience. I have never liked school – and this semester I am bordering on using the “H” word. Bad professors, difficult assignments, procrastination, and life have all gotten in the way. I will be thoroughly pleased when May rolls around and I can be done for a bit…I just pray (seriously) that I pass these classes and maintain good enough grades to continue receiving my financial support.

Next on the list of torment is the depressed mood I have been in. I am pretty sure it all started on Monday, because Sunday was awesome (as usual). I think failing that test really did a number on me, because it has been down hill ever since then. I know I am letting this affect me more than it probably should, but I tend to get emotional every now and then and this certainly seems like one of those times. I have been scared, anxious, depressed, excited – and many other descriptions over the past few days. I am wearing myself out.

Perhaps it all revolves around the girl at church. Not the one who I am “madly in love with” but the new interest that has taken my fancy recently. I met this girl about a month ago at a bible study we were having and have been interested since. On Sunday we got to talk a little, and then after service I gave her my number. It was purely on the “hang out if you’re bored” sense – and I was really hoping she’d call. So, considering I don’t think my phone has rung all week – yet again, another moment in the dumpster. She seems to be a rather shy, reserved person…but I see that in myself as well – which I thought would be cool…two people hanging out who (I think) really need time away from the world.

So what has God been doing in all of this? I honestly cannot say. That alone should speak volumes about what all of this is doing to me. I started receiving the Bible-by-email thing again – and there are almost two weeks worth sitting unread in my mailbox. I haven’t opened the Bible in almost a week – and my prayers have been mostly selfish, pitiful cries about me, me, me. I got a phone call (hey, there was one) the other day from an organization I spoke to at the Passion Conferences. I pretty much zoned out the entire time, completely involved in nothing. Even when the girl (who was extremely sweet, I thought) prayed for me I couldn’t help but feel “eh.”

Am I self-destructing? Probably not. I’ve been in places like this before and they have come and gone. I imagine when I get these assignments off my back I’ll be able to breathe a little better. Then I’ll have time to reinvest my time with God – which is where I should be, but am not, placing it first. Plus, this Sunday I’ll (probably) be able to talk to my friend, the girl, again. Maybe I’ll play things right and actually “get somewhere” (in the area of normal, human conversation) with her.

I hate feeling this way – emotionally and physically. I also dislike the fact that I am *this close* to pitying myself. I seriously sound like such a whiner.

I got my Symphony in Peril C.D. back today – so that is good news. And, maybe, the bible study will hit it off sometime this weekend, so there is always that. Either way, I’m really wanting to escape (there’s the biggest word of all of this) into a game of NCAA March Madness 2005. Maybe I just want to escape all of this right now. I need a vacation that doesn’t involve me sitting on my bum neglecting the important things.

I really need to get over myself, honestly!