Lay Down My Pride.

Well, it was okay while it lasted - but, hopefully with this decision it might actually become good. I made a big list of "to-dos" for the small group I'm part of (or, to be honest, was supposed to have been a "leader" of) for these past eleven-odd weeks. I made the decision a couple days ago to not pursue my ministerial credentials, and now I've made the decision to not be the "leader" of the small group anymore.

By God's grace, I'm not leaving the faith (hopefully, far from that). I decided not to pursue getting licensed as a minister at this time because I'm just not ready, if I am totally honest with myself. I've decided to stop leading the small group (as a teacher) because I'm just not ready, if I am totally honest with myself.

This evenings small group was what I would consider a disaster (God, of course, can work for His glory in anything...but I left Him quite a lot to shape up). I totally disheartened my friend about choices he was making (choices I think are biblically wrong) - but I did not come to him with my concerns in an edifying way. I "passionately" berated ("chastised") him for about two hours - and left him speechless at least three times. I cannot treat a brother like that and call myself a Christian - the two just do not jive.

So, I'm removing the stumbling block. Tomorrow evening we are meeting up to go bowl for his wife's birthday - and I plan to make my first priority upon getting there to embrace him and let him know I still love him - and to apologize profusely for my actions tonight. I'm then going to let out what God has put on my heart tonight - and, by His grace - maybe this relationship can start healing and our group (which is not, of itself, disbanding) can actually work for what I believe God's purposes for it are.

I haven't even been a Christian for 1 year yet - and to this day I had already decided to get licensed as a minister, be a leader/teacher of a small group (for Christians younger than myself), and I am going to be a leader for another group at Southland (which I still plan to pursue, because - thankfully - I will be part of a group of leaders and will be supported in everything). Just looking at all that (which doesn't include a lot of the other stuff I was doing to try and earn - ha, earn - God's affection) makes me realize WHY I have been SO tired and drained lately.

Thank you, Lord - for Your wisdom and powerful, healing hand in my life...it is much needed.

Updates...

I went in for my interview with the head minister over High School ministry today and everything went wonderfully. I blabbered incoherently a couple of times - but I am sure there was a point in the conversation somewhere - I just had trouble finding it. We talked about how I was really wanting to become a group leader (when applying, it is a general application to work IN the ministry...not a certain role) and he said he was on board with that. I can't wait for things to get started - I'm just hoping for great things to happen here. I won't ask for prayers for myself, because I have already been blessed by getting the opportunity - but I do ask for prayers that God can use me and strengthen me while I'm working there. I would love to be part of a change in kids' lives while I'm there - I just hope it's God's Will for me to be part of that.

On a more personal, less spiritual matter - I ended up hanging out with the "girl-I-am-currently-infatuated-with" tonight. I went over to her apartment and watched a movie. It's kind of hard to be around her because I tend to be daring in crossing lines of thought in my mind - and it's kind of hard to take things slow (regardless of what the outcome would be) because I have never been patient (not necessarily in a sexual way - just wanting to be in a relationship, fast). I want, want, want...patience is not really my virtue in situations like these.

It seemed to go well, though - and we are supposed to get together again - but from a bit of personal experience and things I happen to hear - that might be wishes in the wind (commitments are often sketchy). Plus, I'm not too sure what the "rules" are for getting back together with her (time wise). Either way, I'm going to try to walk with this as best I can. One part of me wants to get things over and just let her know I'm interested (at least then I wouldn't have to wait to know what she's thinking and I wouldn't have to take the risk of investing TOO much into something trivial). The other part is saying to wait, walk patiently, and be friends for a while before trying to jump into things. That fine line is my feelings - not wanting to get hurt if she says "No" now, wanting to be together with someone now, and wanting to make the best decision about someone I am going to be spending my time with. Gah!

I'm gonna try my best to focus prayer and devotion around these two things (as well as a few other areas not mentioned here). Hopefully an outcome will rear its head soon (like I said, I'm still really trying to get that patience thing down).

Group Leader Extraordinaire.

I won't toot my horn any more than the title of this post - I just thought it sounded kind of funny and just haughty enough to pass for O.K.

I went to Southland this evening to kind of be a spectator for how the High School ministry experience went down. I applied for a volunteer position a week or so ago to be a group leader for a small group within the High School Ministry area. I hadn't really heard anything back from the head guy in charge - I was just going tonight to "get my feet wet" and then we have a meeting this Friday to discuss my application, etc.

Anyway, I get there this evening and I am being introduced to everyone as "a new group leader" - which, I assume, means I am going to be a new group leader. I am really stoked that everything worked out well. I think this is going to be an awesome opportunity for me to work at the church in an area I am very interested in. I had a feeling God would work this out, and I am very excited He did.

There's not really a lot to say about it. Pretty "standard" worship service tonight. I actually felt really comfortable (more than once) being there. And, the head minister was really good - I enjoyed his message a whole lot (he could do a really good job leading our main services for the church, really). It just seems "right" - pretty much everything about it. I am just real excited overall...nothing more needs to be added.

I've seriously got to finish the New Testament soon. I had this whole "plan" to get through it by June 15 (starting June 1) and then I was going to spend the rest of the month (15 days / 15 days plan) going through it again and re-reading my notes, etc. It is coming up on July 15 (which would be ANOTHER 15 days for those counting) and I have still yet to start Revelation. Tonight - I hope - will be the end of that. It's not a long book, so I HOPE to have it finished tonight, or tomorrow after I wake up.

THEN, after that is done I can go back through and re-read it. I plan on this time taking down all of the questions I have while reading (which will probably be a lot) so I can study on those specifically. I also need to get into the Old Testament some, too. I have this aversion to it for some reason - but I am aware of its importance and genuinely want to read it...I guess I just have to realize these things take time. Alas.

The Surreal Life

(Post-Script - Thanks, God. I just love how quickly (relative to this post) that God works on things. It is nice how He loves to trash Satan's "You're at it alone...I'm right" facade:

Preacher's Story - Quote: "My old demons still haunt me. Voices whisper to me on dark nights, saying, “You know there is no God. You're wasting your life and you are a fool.” and the fact I've made a promise like others, too..."I hear the voices, but they have very little power because you know I’m not going to stop now."

and also this little story about snow / faith: Truth about Snow

- Of no consequence is the fact that both of these links were sitting in my comments, from months ago when I talked about this same problem, unread...Thanks, again, God - You're awesome, faithful, and I love the way you work! *insert smiley emoticon here*)

I have been struggling with something ever since I became a Christian (~ October 2004, so 9 months ago now). It hits me when I am writing things about God (for any reason, blog-related or not), when I am thinking about God, when I am praying to God, when I am reading about God, even when I am worshipping God (in church and out of). It just feels like I am "out of place" - like this is something I should not be doing, this is somewhere I should not be. It's a small voice, but VERY persistent. I can admit today that it has had tremendous impacts on my faith and walk...which is why I want to get this public (in hopes that prayer might be made on my behalf, and that whatever vile force is behind this might be eliminated).

I say vile because I know there has to be some kind of evil presence behind this. I know God to be truth, and this goes against the truth (that I have found in prayer, biblical study, and community with believers). I have looked at my life from before the time I became a Christian - and it is so VERY evident that I was not only blind, but blindly following lies. My evil acts were either out of selfish ambition, thoughtless stupidity, or because of lies I believed. I've always "known" God, but I have never known Him like I do now. I NEVER knew Jesus like I do now.

And that is what kills me. I feel deeply that I was meant to be a Christian. I also feel now (because of many reasons) that I was also meant to be a minister (or, in some regard a person who spreads the Gospel and teaches people - while being a leader, comforter, supporter, etc.) I have a deep love for Jesus that my soul constantly moans and yearns - and yet something is covering that up. I imagine it is sin, because I can recognize the vile (read: sinful) acts I sometimes commit and I understand the hardening circumstances / consequences they bring. However, this doesn't feel like that. This feels like someone telling me to get out.

And it is not the assuring, strengthening, teaching voice that tells me to get out of sin. It is not the voice that calls me everyday and melts my heart. I can see right now the hardening of my heart, and my loss of my first love (and I pray God to work on that) - but this is something different. This is something FIGHTING that work...something against my faith, against my beliefs, against my spiritual wisdom, against my spiritual longing, against my everything.

I'm so thankful for the lessons and experiences I have had concerning God - seasons of life, faithfulness, healing, etc. - so I have hope that this will in time GO AWAY! However, it is very draining at times when I just do not feel like being drained. And it's been here for 9 months (stronger sometimes, weaker other times...more weak than strong, honestly).

My idea? Maybe demon oppression. I am aware that Satan (and his) hate me. I am aware that they want to destroy me. So, I chalk it up to them (I'm not admitting defeat, just letting them know I know what they are doing). I also chalk it up to the flesh. A lot of the sin I have been committing lately has been revolved around the flesh - and I know it hates the truth just as much as Satan - and it hates to die to. So, maybe both of these things are just trying to "win" me back - but it's not going to happen. My friend and I had a conversation about how Satan trains non-believers to follow unholy, damaging things - and that those things do not die immediately when we turn to Christ. I take hope in that. I take hope in the promises God gives in His Word. I take hope in the power of Christ. I guess I just need to start taking a lot MORE hope...

Throw Them Out.

I'm just getting in after the Haste the Day/Still Remains show at the YMCA this evening. I'm not totally surprised by the total selfishness (or idiocy) I saw displayed there tonight - but it is surprising some of the effects of it.

First of all, hardcore dancing (break dancing, skanking, whatever) is not a form of dancing - nor is it a form of anything that should be practiced. There are such things in life that can be attributed to self-expression, to emotional release - and then there are things like this that can only be described as reckless, possibly threatening behavior. I've been to a lot of shows, really, and I have never been frustrated like I was tonight.

For the first time ever at a show (I'm pretty sure) I saw more than one group of people fighting each other or attempting to lash out at each other. This, in my eyes, go against pretty much everything the concert is there for - and does absolutely NO good whatsoever...case closed.

Second - I saw more than once (in fact, more times than I can count) people doing acrobatic, martial-arts-resembling, completely uncontrollable moves. These people didn't just get in the "designated" circle and punch the air (towards the ground) or spin around-and-around...they spun completely out of control; or had someone grab them by the waist and launch them into the air multiple times in numerous directions; or hurtled themselves into a completely unsuspecting crowd; or did multiple flips and kicks in all directions; or started punching in a way that says, "I really don't care if I hurt you;" or a variety of other things that had me (one of few people, probably, who did NOT get bashed into) seriously trying to hold my temper.

And third, I saw (multiple times again) people getting what I would consider seriously hurt (one person had a piercing ripped out, one person had cuts and bruises, and other people I saw - including a friend who went with me, and myself - got kicked in the stomach or stepped on/kicked/scratched by crowd "surfers" (in quotes because these people did not get lifted up and passed gently - they flew into people like airplanes NOT marked for takeoff).

Was there security at this place? I hope not, because it speaks VERY badly of them if they were around. I saw some people holding people back and stopping fights - but it seemed to be just acquaintances of those involved. I'll say it once and I'll put it in caps - PEOPLE NEED TO STOP ACTING IMMATURE AND SELFISH - of which tonight was a clear example of both. If you get into a fight at a show, you don't get a chance to calm down - you are separated and sent home. If you start flying all over the place with no regards to your own, or other's, safety - you get sent home. If you start punching and kicking like an idiot who thinks they have a black belt (and, oddly, the right to act this way) - YOU GET SENT HOME. I am so tired of people not respecting authority and authority not taking control of situations.

Yes, there have been times where I bad-mouthed authority - but it was because I did something stupid and deserved to get punished for it and I didn't like it. THEY were right.

If you act like a jerk at a place where people are coming to have a good (safe) time - YOU SHOULD GET THROWN OUT!