Sorrow, Part One.

Written January 5, 2006 (Bus Ride Home from Passion 2006):

I’m not entirely sure where my sorrow came from. There are, in certain regards, environmental factors that could have led to it (sickness in the family and with friends, loneliness, etc.). It could also be an effect of the sin in my life – numbing my heart and soul. However, I think it is much more than that – it is a yearning, a desire, a hunger for God that is so insatiable that not even an 18,000+ crowd praising, praying, and being with God for four days could fill. It also shows me that I cannot rely on big, flashy events to determine my standing with God. Though He was undoubtedly present at all times during the conference – I felt so far from Him. I longed for more of His presence – for my life obviously, but also just for Him to be near. I have realized I am ruined to this world – and even much more to the euphoric effect of conferences or other deep spiritual events. I hunger, ache even, for God’s presence at the deepest parts of my soul.

“…As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God?” (Psalm 42:1-2)


Written January 7, 2006:

I had been talking and thinking about this today with my close friend and his fiancé, and I even had some verses down to further support my “sorrow” and the feelings and thoughts I am having now. But, I am continually feeling this urge in me to be strong and to not be afraid. So…I looked up some verses – and this is what I came up with:

“…Be gracious to me, O God, for man tramples on me; all day long an attacker oppresses me; my enemies trample on me all day long, for many attack me proudly. When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” (Psalm 56:1-4, emphasis mine)

“But the LORD said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a youth'; for to all to whom I send you, you shall go, and whatever I command you, you shall speak. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, declares the LORD."” (Jeremiah 1:7-8)

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27)

My friend made an amazing point tonight that I knew in my head, but I want to put to practice in my life to try and combat this funk I’m in.

One – Jesus is 100% worthy of all glory, honor, and praise – regardless of me or my situations or anything else. He does not owe me anything, and deserves everything because of who He is. And that’s not even to include what He has done, for me and for the world – His suffering, His cross, His love. So – my feelings might come and go (and do) and my heart might worry, and my head might wonder – but Jesus is Christ the Risen Lord…and I will praise Him with everything I can…joyous or sorrowful – because He is worthy.

Another thing I take out of those verses above – and all the promises that I’ve seen reading through the Bible is that God is faithful. And that everything relies on God – whether that be good or bad, belief or unbelief, happiness or sorrow. My salvation is in his hands – it is a reflection of the glory of His grace and there is nothing that I did to earn it, nothing I can do to try to maintain it (by my strength or works or whatever). I just need to rest in God and be strong with His strength, not mine.

It’s like my heart and soul long for God – long to be completely satisfied in Him – love Him and ache for Him and need Him to survive – but my mind is continually warring with it saying “God does not exist. God does not/cannot love you. You are not a Christian. You are stupid acting like this…etc., etc.” And then it goes a step further and says, “This isn’t Satan saying this, it’s you.” I hate to give Satan ANY credit, but he has gotten pretty good at his job.

Where I am right now – I just feel so afraid that I cannot keep this up…that I am too weak to fight this fight of faith against temptation, and sin, and the world, and Satan. And then I see these amazing Christians around me who are so on fire for God – and I cannot see that in myself, and then I have the fear that I might NEVER see that and will not grow up to be a mature Christian. And there is NOTHING in this world I want more than to be mature in Christ, in this life. And it just seems SO very far away right now.

“My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!” (Psalm 119:28)