(Another) E-Mail.

We were talking yesterday (briefly) about honesty and emotion in our relationship with God. Yesterday afternoon, due to various life situations, I got a little frustrated, a little depressed, and a little angry. For a couple nights I’ve been just listening to music on the way home, being honest about my intentions to “run away” from situations for the 20-minute drive. Last night I allowed myself to “be angry” on the ride home, and then remembered a lot of the anger I had before-Christ and now living with Christ (not towards him). It felt nice to be angry (even if the honesty of the emotion did not make it alright to be angry).

Anyway, all that to say that last night I came to the conclusion, and wrote in my journal (which makes it official!) that Christ gave, has given, and gives me hope. I thought a lot about people who were like, “Jesus saved me from alcoholism...Jesus saved me from depression...Jesus saved me from...” and I always felt like I didn’t have anything. I felt like I was a pretty good guy. I didn’t party hard, and when I did party I liked it (I didn’t want to be saved from it). When I got angry, I let it go. Etc. Etc. Etc.

Ever since I started this whole journey with Jesus I have had hope. When the world just totally pisses me off and I want to burn it to the ground, I hear Jesus telling me to love them and to have hope that things might get better. When I am all sad because whatever is happening in my life is not to my specific liking, I remember Jesus telling me that things are going to be bad, but that he is bigger and better than all of this.

I talked with Vic today and he kind of affirmed some things for me. I didn’t want to be saved. I didn’t really even think I needed to be saved. I’m still walking that journey where I realize how horrible I really am – how much I deserve punishment – and how happy I should be that I am not going to receive it. But I am saved and I think that’s a pretty great thing.

Just thought I’d share that with you.