Public Declaration, Part Two.

In regards to my previous declaration, I will let the Word speak for itself:

"In his heart a man plans his course,
but the LORD determines his steps."
Proverbs 16:9

My naiveté amazes me sometimes.

Thursday_August_31_2006

Going through some old documents. Was feeling especially something this day:

I'll call you a hypocrite straight through this mirror of mine, without batting an eye
But I'll never turn around to see those burnt bridges I left behind
This old desert road looks vaguely familiar as I walk down the line
It's been so long since I've seen a soul pass me by
And up on the horizon I see something like a mirage that's looking just like me
But he isn't walking this way, his back's turned and he's running away
Because I saw me coming from miles away
And you reach out your hand I have to squint because it's so remarkably bright
And you tell me stories and hold me close and whisper something about things being alright
But I just can't stay, I've got things to do – need to get on with these plans of my own
But the more I walk, the sicker I feel, and the darker it gets
But I can't turn around because you're so far back there and I can no longer see that part of the road
It's just a distant memory like a haunting dream that's unable to let go
So I press on towards the mirage because he seems to be heading somewhere important
Well, at least he's running away from me
And maybe sometime soon I'll see that beautiful beam
And I'll hear that voice that I love so much and you'll make sure to let me know you care
And how hard I pray that on that day my ears aren't clogged and my heart's in a mood to listen
Because I know my downright despicable condition
And I'm in need of a physician real bad because the blood is pouring out of me
And I just can't stop the flow of words that run around my mind
speaking things I thought I'd left behind
And my muscles are cramping up and it feels like they're under control of some ghost
Like I'm watching from outer space this story unfold
and I can recognize the characters but they can't hear my voice
To stop and just listen to the narrator of the story because he's got it all figured out
and it's not just because he's holding the script
And there's just something about that light at the end of the road that is drawing me near
So close and I can feel the warmth of your breath against my lungs
and how freely I can breath in this fresh air
I fall against the ground and I've never felt grass so soft before –
like silk or some other exotic fabric that's been knitted together just to support me
How easy it would be to just fall asleep right now, in your arms,
with that soft song being sung over me
But I'm uneasy and a tad bit broken and something has got me stirring in my bones
Hold on to me like a little child and nestle me to sleep because I know I am restless and it's so early in the morning but you have to be that caring parent because I just can't live without you
And where did I begin? I've traveled so long down this road of emotions and thoughts and things
I just wish I had it all together, had everything lined up and pretty and I could grasp it and control it and manipulate it as I please – but not in the bad way, not in the negative connotation of those words
Because I'm dying to be yours, dying to live that life I've heard about
and everyone seems to model so much better than myself
But we all know how much of a failure I am, or how quick I see one thing and am off to another
So all this is to say this is what's going on and I just need you to be patient as I work things out
And if you're kind enough you can be that small nudge at my back
pressing me on in the right direction
Because as honest as I am I have no map and my internal compass is broken
So I'm looking forward to directions from the one who knows the way
The one who knows me best
And I'm just hoping there's a destination at the end of this road
because continuing to walk along is about all that I've got.

How He Loves Us.

I get home tonight and check MySpace and becoming instantly, amazingly happy to see that John Mark McMillan has created a new profile, to which he has posted the song "How He Loves Us" - which I happen to believe is quite possibly the best worship song written, at least after just finishing listening to it.

But, as the final lyrics passed by, the emotion hanging heavy in John's voice, I felt a pain and a question hit my heart. How do we respond to the love of God? And this isn't a question as to how much we love God - the answer there is far too little. My thoughts were on how should we respond to a love so great, so penetrating, so mysterious, even sometimes so gracefully painful?

How do you sing of God's love when you're afraid for your parent's lives? When you're worried about being sick? When you don't feel fulfilled in your day-to-day life and have no real image of where you might be better suited, or called? When the meaningless things of this world become far greater and pressure you into fear, disillusionment, doubt, or things even worse?

I want to live everyday filled to the brim with this unimaginable love. I want to be poured into and onto until it hurts to hold it in. And that is frightening in a very real way. Because I have no idea how to do this, and I have no idea what my reaction might be if I could let myself be loved like that.

But it seems right. God just has to be up there right now singing that song to us...

"How I love you. Oh, how I love you. Oh, how I love you. How...I...love...you."

Nothing seems right without that. Everything fades, but that light refuses to be quenched.

God, how I hope.

Public Declaration.

So in the coming months, if all goes according to plan, there will not be any people to misunderstand the things happening in my life - I have decided to come here to publicly proclaim and explain the journey (as I know it) that I am embarking on. I would never want any poor soul to think of me more highly than I deserve (which, in honesty, is pretty nil).

"Insta-Prayer" - From now on, out of personal conviction and because of my track record with following things through - if someone has a prayer request for me, and I know them well enough to know they will not be freaked out by the act, I will pray with and for, at the instant such a request arises, any person. I have no intentions of stepping onto my carry-around soapbox and displaying for all to see my spiritual praying power. I also want to steer clear of the person I am praying for thinking the same. The only reason I am doing this is because I know, generally speaking, I won't pray for that person unless I do it right then and there. And, with this first step out of the way - who knows...maybe more prayer will follow.

Living (Dancing, Singing, Praying...) Sacrifice - I'm tired of being personally embarrassed about my worship. I want to sing and dance and be crazy - regardless of whether it's happening personally or corporately. This specific choice relates particularly to the music and praise aspect of worship - but I am not against it coming out in other areas. I want no shame in my outward expression of the joy I have for being the Lord's.

Similarly related to this is my desire to decrease the awareness I have of myself. I'm tired of lifting my hands and spinning around (Marvelous Light) and being wholly aware of the fact that I am doing it. When I close my eyes and begin a time of relflection and praise - I want to forget who I am and have ever before me - burned into my heart, mind, soul, and the backs of my eyelids - the glory of God.

Evangelical Prowess - I love music. I think it's some of the greatest stuff out there. I enjoy movies quite a bit as well. Man, do I love hanging out at a coffeeshop. I am full of opinions. I totally dig sleeping in sometimes. Jesus Christ is the Son of God. Mighty to Save.

See what I am talking about? It's time to speak up about this. For two reasons. One, it's kind of a big deal. I mean - if I believe that Jesus is the Son of God, that He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, that He does in fact bring us to the Father - why am I not telling anyone and everyone?

Secondly, if I really enjoy this relationship with a living God so much...if I really do "love" Him...shouldn't he be part of my conversations with people? I have no qualms letting people know how great the new mewithoutYou album is. Where's the fear in dropping the J-bomb coming from?

Three In 3 - I asked God to give me three years of spiritual growth over the next three years of time. Wow, one might say...that seems like a hefty prayer. It's not really.

First, I stole the idea from a girl at my friend's church. She was delivering the message the day I went with them and she told those in attendance how she asked God for six years of spiritual growth in one year. That is a hefty prayer. Asking to just simply grow up over the next three years seems a bit small in comparison.

Second, the entire job of God fulfilling this request and my ability to handle an answered prayer is already kicking my butt. I have already been faced with serious doubts about the direction of my life, my personal (faith) convictions, my ability to minister...etc., etc.

I wonder what the next 1,093 days are going to look like since I first made the request?

So there you have it. There is probably a bit more - but that seems like a nice starting point. If you're the praying type, I would appreciate a bit of your time the next time you're bending God's ear.