Thursday_August_31_2006

Going through some old documents. Was feeling especially something this day:

I'll call you a hypocrite straight through this mirror of mine, without batting an eye
But I'll never turn around to see those burnt bridges I left behind
This old desert road looks vaguely familiar as I walk down the line
It's been so long since I've seen a soul pass me by
And up on the horizon I see something like a mirage that's looking just like me
But he isn't walking this way, his back's turned and he's running away
Because I saw me coming from miles away
And you reach out your hand I have to squint because it's so remarkably bright
And you tell me stories and hold me close and whisper something about things being alright
But I just can't stay, I've got things to do – need to get on with these plans of my own
But the more I walk, the sicker I feel, and the darker it gets
But I can't turn around because you're so far back there and I can no longer see that part of the road
It's just a distant memory like a haunting dream that's unable to let go
So I press on towards the mirage because he seems to be heading somewhere important
Well, at least he's running away from me
And maybe sometime soon I'll see that beautiful beam
And I'll hear that voice that I love so much and you'll make sure to let me know you care
And how hard I pray that on that day my ears aren't clogged and my heart's in a mood to listen
Because I know my downright despicable condition
And I'm in need of a physician real bad because the blood is pouring out of me
And I just can't stop the flow of words that run around my mind
speaking things I thought I'd left behind
And my muscles are cramping up and it feels like they're under control of some ghost
Like I'm watching from outer space this story unfold
and I can recognize the characters but they can't hear my voice
To stop and just listen to the narrator of the story because he's got it all figured out
and it's not just because he's holding the script
And there's just something about that light at the end of the road that is drawing me near
So close and I can feel the warmth of your breath against my lungs
and how freely I can breath in this fresh air
I fall against the ground and I've never felt grass so soft before –
like silk or some other exotic fabric that's been knitted together just to support me
How easy it would be to just fall asleep right now, in your arms,
with that soft song being sung over me
But I'm uneasy and a tad bit broken and something has got me stirring in my bones
Hold on to me like a little child and nestle me to sleep because I know I am restless and it's so early in the morning but you have to be that caring parent because I just can't live without you
And where did I begin? I've traveled so long down this road of emotions and thoughts and things
I just wish I had it all together, had everything lined up and pretty and I could grasp it and control it and manipulate it as I please – but not in the bad way, not in the negative connotation of those words
Because I'm dying to be yours, dying to live that life I've heard about
and everyone seems to model so much better than myself
But we all know how much of a failure I am, or how quick I see one thing and am off to another
So all this is to say this is what's going on and I just need you to be patient as I work things out
And if you're kind enough you can be that small nudge at my back
pressing me on in the right direction
Because as honest as I am I have no map and my internal compass is broken
So I'm looking forward to directions from the one who knows the way
The one who knows me best
And I'm just hoping there's a destination at the end of this road
because continuing to walk along is about all that I've got.