God.

I think I’ve figured something big out. God works wonderfully for a pessimist like me.

I know I won’t be the person I am now forever – as small and slow as it may seem at times, there is something going on within me that is changing me into a completely new person. But, there are still parts of me that remain – parts that have no faith in humanity at all, parts that are bitter and resentful, parts that are sad and lonely and hurt.

And, oddly enough, I’m not really looking for pity or well-wishes when it comes to this. Partly because I know that it’s not always going to be like this. It might not fade away and be replaced in the foreseeable future – but it’s certainly not going to be with me forever.

The reason I look at myself “under a microscope” right now is because I realized tonight that God is not only amazingly courteous to work with a fool like me, but I am supremely blessed to be working with a gift like him.

For instance – I am a very emotional person. I tend to take things very personally – even if they were never meant as an attack. Because of this (and I want to highlight this now as being my weakness, not theirs) I have been hurt by every person I’ve ever known. Maybe not on some grand scale with every one of them – but all the people in my life, right now (and in the past) that I care(d) about has hurt me. Again, I’m not throwing my pity-party here…I’m just trying to set the stage for my conclusion.

I also tend to get very involved with people very quickly. I’ll meet someone as a friend and “latch” on to them – instantly storing them in the “friend bank” and painting them in as part of my life. The same goes for romantic interests. These things happen very fast, and when some of these people leave just as quick – boom – I’m left with a big gash in my side where I had made something permanent that was not meant to be.

But none of the above has been the case with God. At all.

I was “raised” in the church as a child – so I had some background of the whole religion thing. I never really stuck to anything – beliefs, faith, etc. I kind of always did my own thing – believing that there probably was a god but doing my absolute best to stay on his good side, and always on my knees when I needed something.

All of that changed a little over a year ago when I started reading Scripture again. Or, I would stay up real late and watch “Shepherd’s Chapel” – where they would read the Bible and give their own little interpretation for it. I can’t say for sure whether this was the beginning of what was to come, or merely a stepping stone from my past walk. All I know is that in October of 2004 I found myself inside Southland Christian – attending their Sunday evening service.

I haven’t left since.

I gave my life to Christ, specifically in baptism, a month later – November 4, 2004. And since then it has been an amazing, scary, frustrating, wonderful, adjective-filled journey. I’ve learned more about God in 12 months than I had for the previous 20 years.

But the one thing that really stuck out for me tonight was that this God I have come to know and love – he is permanent. And his affections towards me are unchanging. I did nothing to earn them, and for some magnificent reason I can’t do anything to lose them. I am his and he has become mine.

And that promise is bankrupt in anything else in this world. The money and possessions I have now – even if they last until I die – cannot be taken with me. The members of my family – their fate is the same as mine…I’m probably going to watch many of them pass away. My friends – same thing. God-willing I’ll find a wife and raise a family, but that is only a temporary blessing in a life that is but a vapor.

I have found only one thing in this life that I can hope on. There is only one thing in front of me right now that I am sure will be there when I am gone. Of everything I have ever strived for and anything I could ever want until the end of my time – only one thing is worth it because only one thing guarantees.

Jesus Christ.

And I’m not going to go on some spiel about my faith and how I’m right and everyone else who believes different is wrong. I’ve been thinking about the direction I want to move when I speak – and even though I decided I am convicted to speak to the truth in my heart – right now I’m just laying it out for myself.

Jesus is the only thing that matters. Take hold of that and never let it go. Fight for it because it’s worth it. You’d fight for other things. You have fought for other things. Trivial things that pass away, or lose interest in you, or you lose interest in them. This won’t fade. You’ll fade, but this won’t. Take hold.

Laugh it up if you think I’m wrong. I had those same thoughts before, until they turned to tears when I realized how fruitless anything else is. Sit down and think and don’t just go with what’s easy or what you’ve always known.

Think. Question. Fight. Whatever.

As I’ve said so many times before – there’s a lot at stake. And it’s only in your best interest to check it out. YOU are the one who gains.