Growing Pains.

I seem to be working a lot of spiritual things out right now, both consciously and sub-consciously.

On the obvious front is both my seeming lack of joy in God right now teamed with an aversion to the constant "throwing out" of what I consider cliché Christian phrases (all of which have involved the name Jesus). To be more specific, I am resenting what I called, to a close friend, cookie-cutter Christianity. A lot of the things I have been hearing lately have seemed so stereotypical and repetitive, with a pinch of insincerity.

Not to bash the people saying them, though. In fact, most every line I talk about above has come from the mouth of someone I love immensely. And, I hate to doubt their sincerity (even if I do) because I know their hearts well enough, I think, to deduce they are not saying it for either shock value or word's sake.

But it still leaves a bitter taste in my mouth and throws my mind for a loop.

On the sub-conscious, not-too-obvious front, things seem to be a little blurry. For instance, I feel something inside of me that convicts me that I am growing more mature spiritually. It's a heightened sense that makes its call unmistakable, but still allows for the plausibility of doubt. I try telling it I am happy facing diverse trials, knowing the by-products of such conflict equal much required (and coveted, for lack of a better word) rewards. I long for faith, perseverance, wisdom, maturity, courage, etc. Maybe God is answering my recent cries to be poured into.

Because, I am of the mind that when God actually does pour into you, it's an experience for sure.

I haven't been without joy. This past week I have been extremely happy. Much filled with joy. Serving in the church. Loving others. Selfless. But in all things still sinning.

An analogy my friend gave me this evening:

"If you take a glass of water and place a droplet of ink into it, the ink eventually permeates the entire glass of water. It is still water - but it's not the same water it used to be before the ink. Even the best part of the water still has some ink in it. You cannot escape the effects of the ink; you can only hope to be more water."

I am not the same person I was a little over a year ago. This is apparent. But, I am also not the man that I would like to be. And through various means I am coming to terms with the issue that this dichotomy presents.

To use the same verse I closed a recent e-mail with:

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope." {Romans 15:13}

Here's to hope.