A Short Leash.

(Thanks, Will, for continued conversation - and inspiration).

// What is it about me that God takes delight in? //

This may seem readily obvious to most (and I'll admit, I understand it myself in a way) - but if you were to peel back my life, removing layers of doubt, insecurity, hypocrisy, and the like - you would find that my biggest desire when it comes to being a Christian is to be loved. Not just by other people (because that's often difficult to find regardless of what you believe) - but by God. And not just some invisible thing out there in the sky - but by a personal, powerful, life-transforming, giving-each-breath-meaning person. I don't want God to be an idea, or a belief, or a being. I want him to be present. And in that presence I want him to treasure me. Not because I may deserve it, or earn it (due to, in my life, falling short in both cases), but...

...simply because he does.

That is exactly what I found when I first became a Christian. That is what called to me. What seemed beautiful without competition. What was worth becoming a different person. What made me a different person.

And yet I so often lose sight of a love like that. A simple thing, yet so profound.

Falling back into discussing theology. Or working hard. Or serving more. Or believing something different.

All of that good. All of that, at the same time, very distracting.

Now don't get me wrong. I want to please God. I want to love God back. Not because I have to. Or need to. Or am perfectly capable of doing. But because love is a great thing. It is a good gift. And I feel like this God I have an idea about - that I've seen and experienced - that I know (somehow)...he deserves a good gift.

// So...how am I loved (how do I remain in this love)? How do I love? //

Is it simple? Does it really come down to believing a check-list of facts? Does it come through adherence to a bullet-list of rules and regulations?

Or does it just exist?

Permeating all things. Broken and dirty because of this world it currently occupies - but still moving and fighting. Perfect (enough). Outside of myself (independent). Part of me (living, breathing, growing).

I'd like to believe that it is (easy). I see that, faintly - like a rising light on the horizon. Right after you wake from a slumber and your eyes are still masked by sleep. Blurry. Radiant. Understated. Often misunderstood.

Jesus tells me to follow him. I'd like to think I am. I'd like to think he has me on a short leash. For my benefit of course. I've got to be "free" because there's adventure and curiosity raging in my blood and bones. But I've got to be tied because I have no idea where I am going and I'm prone to wander.

Guide this man you Good God. I trust you.